A video of artist Cas Holmes popped up on my Facebook page. She was showing us the process of how she worked in her Sketch Book. It was fascinating to see; very quick, loose, intuitive, not agonizing or giving any part of it too much thought. She began with a cut out image of a tea cup - one that was special to her. She tore it in half! Just the kind of thing I would do! One half went on the left hand page, the other on the right. She added a strip of tissue paper. Then some washes of water colour - mixing the colours on the page. everything very quick & scrappy. I liked it. And it was so inspiring I felt I had to do some art myself immediately!
I grabbed one of my red, hard-backed books, that I had begun working with many years ago, using the Tom Phillips technique, skimmed through the pages, picked one and began working in that same quick way, tearing pieces of printed paper from an art book I use for that purpose. I needed to process an upsetting walk along the sea front from the day before. I have never been able to adequately deal with what I have been subjected to, and my not being able to handle it, or even talk about what's happening. I needed this technique to speak for me; to tell me what I had been carrying for so long. It helped tremendously.
I immediately scanned the image and posted it on Facebook. A place where I am constantly trolled - in many of the groups I belong to, and even by Facebook 'friends'. But I needed my work to speak up for me. I have Not been able to speak up. This was important to me. If anyone deliberately sets out to hurt me after seeing my expression of pain, it says something a whole lot different about the interaction; it says a lot about them. As soon as I'd finished, I felt the need to work on another page. Although the T.P. technique had given me a voice so many decades before - it seemed to fail me in speaking to this situation - until Now.
No sooner had I scanned and posted the 2nd image, than I Had to work on a 3rd!
Each one taking no more than about 10 minutes. I had no idea what would come of each one. They tapped into what needed to be released.
I had come to realize, in trying to articulate my response to the poets I'd been discovering recently, and struggling to do so for a mini-essay, that a piece of advice from e. e. cummings was absolutely key. He said that a good poet has to tap into what they Feel, not what they think, or know, or believe. When I looked at what I had struggled to write, I saw that it wasn't quite right. Sure enough, I got a response from the editor, who said they like 'the direction I was headed', but I needed to be more focused - pick one poem rather than dip into several. I'd guessed that was so even before I began, but each of the poets had been so important to me. I'd also made a reference to my working through the book of psalms every morning - you can't get any more expressive than in the psalms - it has every emotion going: despair; abject fear for one's life; physical suffering; guilt; remorse; hope; exultation; a craving for vindication and vengeance. it has been an immense comfort to have that as a staple diet each day. Anyway, I noticed I was quite cerebral in my own writing - too 'thinky'. I looked at a sample example of one of the essays in the project I wanted to contribute to; it was warm, and personal; it drew me in and kept hold of my collar. My own writing was a formal handshake by comparison. How could I write a hug?
By feeling. I realized I held people distant from me - not just in my writing, but in the way I relate to people in general. It gave me so much to think about. 'How can I get to feel more - so I can be a better writer?' I wondered.
It was only late this evening that I realized the upsetting experience along the sea front was exactly what I needed to feel! You ask - you get! This means that even the 'horrible' things can be a real answer to prayer. And it's a reminder to keep trusting God when it seems He's been distracted, or doesn't seem to care. I'm so grateful to Cas Holmes for her open, demonstration, and inspiration; and to those who were so hurtful to me these past few days - it all worked together to get me going!
Thank You!
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