Crime Seen

Page Me

To keep on top of my record of 'visual psalms' - I'm aware I have pages that need to be uploaded here. 

This was done on the 28th/29th of May - after a walk along the seafront - aware of being stalked, as usual, Aware of the 'harassment skits' as I stopped to talk to a friend I hadn't seen in a long, long time. 

I'm guessing they have no real idea of how it feels on the inside to be subjected to these little 'games' - I'd like t think they'd be mortified if they knew; though for some I'm intuiting they feed on the horror I feel and must surely broadcast palpably. 

I refused to go out for quite some time after this; shutting off my phones; unplugging; unable to use my computer or keep up my Facebook project. Very down and feeling utterly helpless & powerless, which is, I suppose the object. 

How can anyone survive such a long-term, ongoing onslaught? Prayer; my Bible; good friends, and these precious little pages that allow me to express and find a way of coming to terms with what I have had to suffer. 

Days are roller-coaster; a night of anguished replays and fretfulness can lead to waking in perfect peace - almost like sweating out a fever - allowing it to break. 

I'm so grateful to these little art outlets - a technique that has stood me in good stead for many years, but which became dormant throughout the stalking ordeal - perhaps too traumatized to be able to begin to come to terms with what was happening to me; I so very much didn't want to accept it was true. 

Amazed to come to this, last night:

A Little Book: A Little Comfort

I have had a little hardboard Book of 'Pooh's Friends' that I have wanted to do something with for the longest time! But always say: 'Things find their right time' - and so, a couple of weeks ago, over a period of a few days, i worked on a double page spread each day, and the 2 covers: back & front. 

I worked quickly and intuitively, trying as much as possible to stay out of the way of the process. often watching a video on You Tube as I worked; tearing scraps of paper from little art catalogues or magazines. 

The little book features only a few words on each page. This double spread was the 1st page I worked on - the text was very easily accessed - it was so - There! This was relatively un-worked - uncomplicated. It was a great start to the project and spurred me on. 

Likewise the following page - The words came easily, and said all my soul needed to express. After I scanned the image, I saw patches of colour that need reworking - it's funny how the scanned images can show when something is not quite right or finished. A little annoying(!) but all part of the process. I was happier for going back in to improve on the artwork. 

I love the figure in the centre of the 2nd page; she looks as though she has bowed her head in prayer - the perfect way to find a solution when asking: What shall I do? 

When the words on the page seemed entirely irrelevant to me - the challenge was to find meaning - to seek for it - make it. The commitment to do that sometimes meant it took a few days to hit upon the right words - the 'Open Sesame' of personal meaning & resonance. 

I can see now, the  collage above provides the answer to the question from previous page. It also echoes the needle-crafts I often spend my evenings doing, whilst contemplating the same question! 

This final double page spread took days to begin & complete - I was almost defeated by not quite being able to find the right words, but knew I'd find something eventually, if I tried hard enough.

It incorporates how I begin each day with my pen - doing 'morning pages' - thanks to following the directive in Julia Cameron's: The Artist's Way.

Job done! Phew! Pleased with my completed little book; a joy to work on, and an interesting journey. This was another occasion when I went back to the page after seeing the scanned image - it needed a little refining. Working so small was also a bit of a challenge - the torn pieces of paper I was working with got smaller and smaller, making it quite difficult to handle, but my hands always knew whereto place the little scrap of colour. 

I marvel at the process; watching as my hands get on with the work, feeling like a willing, and admiring assistant. 

Visual 'Psalm': Danger: Uneasy Avoidance

Another visual 'psalm'. realizing it's a lot better to work more quickly - no deliberating. This one took longer than 10 minutes - I might need to work more loosely and quickly, and stick to 10 mins - dunno, it's a new project-thing. This technique that so completely changed my life and gave me a voice when I was mute for so long, seemed to fail me these past few years; maybe I wasn't ready to begin coming to terms with the horror of what I've been going through: I just didn't want to believe any of it was happening. Too difficult to confront; even my counselling sessions were encroached upon. No limits to the violations I had to field. How is anyone supposed to be able to deal with that kind of thing? Especially when it's too far-fetched to believe? And, I didn't want to believe it myself. Relieved the pages are beginning to speak up for me now. Important to Feel - even if it's painful. I was trying Not to feel - for the longest time, even before all this started up. It's a weird kind of blessing.

I thought I'd done for the day, but these seem to come in 3s...

I listen to You Tube a lot, and like to be Doing something at the same time, so....

I notice the 1st one starts off dark or heavy - slams out the pain of what I've been going through, then each succeeding piece seems to lighten up somewhat. Interesting process. 

Verses From Personal Visual 'Psalms'

A video of artist Cas Holmes popped up on my Facebook page. She was showing us the process of how she worked in her Sketch Book. It was fascinating to see; very quick, loose, intuitive, not agonizing or giving any part of it too much thought. She began with a cut out image of a tea cup - one that was special to her. She tore it in half! Just the kind of thing I would do! One half went on the left hand page, the other on the right. She added a strip of tissue paper. Then some washes of water colour - mixing the colours on the page. everything very quick & scrappy. I liked it. And it was so inspiring I felt I had to do some art myself immediately! 

I grabbed one of my red, hard-backed books, that I had begun working with many years ago, using the Tom Phillips technique, skimmed through the pages, picked one and began working in that same quick way, tearing pieces of printed paper from an art book I use for that purpose. I needed to process an upsetting walk along the sea front from the day before. I have never been able to adequately deal with what I have been subjected to, and my not being able to handle it, or even talk about what's happening. I needed this technique to speak for me; to tell me what I had been carrying for so long. It helped tremendously. 

I immediately scanned the image and posted it on Facebook. A place where I am constantly trolled - in many of the groups I belong to, and even by Facebook 'friends'. But I needed my work to speak up for me. I have Not been able to speak up. This was important to me. If anyone deliberately sets out to hurt me after seeing my expression of pain, it says something a whole lot different about the interaction; it says a lot about them. As soon as I'd finished, I felt the need to work on another page. Although the T.P. technique had given me a voice so many decades before - it seemed to fail me in speaking to this situation - until Now. 

No sooner had I scanned and posted the 2nd image, than I Had to work on a 3rd! 

Each one taking no more than about 10 minutes. I had no idea what would come of each one. They tapped into what needed to be released. 

I had come to realize, in trying to articulate my response to the poets I'd been discovering recently, and struggling to do so for a mini-essay, that a piece of advice from e. e. cummings was absolutely key. He said that a good poet has to tap into what they Feel, not what they think, or know, or believe. When I looked at what I had struggled to write, I saw that it wasn't quite right. Sure enough, I got a response from the editor, who said they like 'the direction I was headed', but I needed to be more focused - pick one poem rather than dip into several. I'd guessed that was so even before I began, but each of the poets had been so important to me. I'd also made a reference to my working through the book of psalms every morning - you can't get any more expressive than in the psalms - it has every emotion going: despair; abject  fear for one's life; physical suffering; guilt; remorse; hope; exultation; a craving for vindication and vengeance. it has been an immense comfort to have that as a staple diet each day. Anyway, I noticed I was quite cerebral in my own writing - too 'thinky'. I looked at a sample example of one of the essays in the project I wanted to contribute to; it was warm, and personal; it drew me in and kept hold of my collar. My own writing was a formal handshake by comparison. How could I write a hug? 

By feeling. I realized I held people distant from me - not just in my writing, but in the way I relate to people in general. It gave me so much to think about. 'How can I get to feel more - so I can be a better writer?' I wondered.

It was only late this evening that I realized the upsetting experience along the sea front was exactly what I needed to feel! You ask - you get! This means that even the 'horrible' things can be a real answer to prayer. And it's a reminder to keep trusting God when it seems He's been distracted, or doesn't seem to care. I'm so grateful to Cas Holmes for her open, demonstration, and inspiration; and to those who were so hurtful to me these past few days - it all worked together to get me going! 

Thank You! 

Testing! Testing!

What can I learn by trying new things? 

I Love that I II Asked to create a poster by a friend - who really believes in my creativity. I always wonder if I can rise to the occasion. My artwork tends to be 'busy' - I wasn't sure I'd be able to produce anything calm enough to be usable. I have to say I was pretty pleased with what I managed to achieve. Especially as it gave me a big nudge to attempt adding text - it took quite some time to work out how - a few attempts, but then, I hadn't done it before - so every effort I made into this new territory was a real boost. Experience. Of course, it was rejected for a bland, non-dynamic, simple little graphic. But, my friend's faith in me, and her request had meant a lot. I need these nudges to keep me stretching just that little bit beyond what I think I'm capable of achieving. 

So, can I just say, Janina, that I'm pleased you're doing this - following up on the idea you had to just experiment with other templates and settings to get the hang of what else is available. Keep at it - all this will pay off one day xxxxx